Long Covid-8 months in

I can't quite believe I'm writing this! But 8 months and counting and long Covid is still well and truly kicking my ass. In fact the last few weeks almost feel worse than the weeks before and progress has slowed down.

I wasn't going to write this blog post, I worry it's all just getting relentless and boring and nobody needs to know, but then I remembered that saying,

"One day you will tell your story of how you've overcome what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else's survival guide"

So I'm writing it down, in the best way I can, in the hope that it will help someone who might need to read it in the future, to help people who may be struggling in silence now, to raise awareness and to also help me get the scrambled thoughts in my head down on paper, remembering it's ok to not be ok and I don't have to hide.

I've done a lot of work over the last 8 months whether I've realised it or not. I've been working on pacing, managing my symptoms and trying to get better, but also working on acceptance, on not being in control of my own body, of plans being changed and cancelled, of simply not being able to do everything I so badly want to do. I'm far from perfect and there's been an awful lot of tears and meltdowns, ugly crying, jealousy and major FOMO, but as much as I hate to admit it, I have to let this condition do it's thing and just hold onto hope that one day it will be gone for good.

It's been a while since my last update, since then I've had lots of good days mixed with lots of bad. A few weeks ago I felt like progress was good, my pacing was working, I could start pushing myself a bit more, things were looking up. But as always with this thing called long Covid, it always throws a spanner in the works and the last 3 weeks have been tough. I realise it might not be obvious to most people, I'm the queen of hiding my emotions, gritting my teeth and getting through, if I can hold everything together it makes me feel like I'm in control. But something always has to give and this weekend that's exactly what happened.

The fatigue is the most debilitating symptom by far still, it feels like someone has pulled my batteries out, its extreme, nothing I've ever felt before and hard to describe. At my worst if someone dropped a £20 note on the floor in front of me I probably wouldn't go and pick it up, a light walk feels like I'm walking through water and I struggle to catch my breath. Behind closed doors I spend whole weekends in bed or on the sofa, struggling to function. The chest pain is relentless, I get rashes all over my body, splitting headaches, breathlessness. And all I can do is rest and hope that it doesn't last too long.

Treatment wise I'm now under a chest specialist in London, there's still so many unknowns but we're hoping to at least rule out inflammation and damage around my heart and lungs using MRIs (hello claustrophobia!) and other scans. I'm also being tested to check I have no micro blood clots or other issues. Once these big scary things are ruled out I feel like I'll at least be reassured that by getting back into exercise I wont be doing more damage. If there is anything serious found we can treat it accordingly and that's progress too.

I'm really not sure how but mentally I feel pretty resilient, writing it all down really helps. I have the most amazing support network in friends and family, and even with the bad days I rest up and carry on somehow. There's definitely times where it all gets pretty unbearable and I want to admit defeat and give up, but I have a good meltdown, let it all out and move forward.

My amazing Langley crew are going from strength to strength and will do anything to help which I'm so grateful for, I can coach and do my job and pace myself which is all that I can ask of right now and its a huge bonus, some people aren't so lucky and I'm very aware of that. The next step is results from various testing, treatment if it's needed, and rehab back into being more active myself.

This whole situation has made me realise more than anything that without your health you have nothing. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd miss running 15miles on a Sunday, or doing my 5.30am hill sprints. I really do miss it, I miss pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, challenging my body, for a little shiny medal and a crap goody bag!! I miss deadlifting till my back hurts and parachute sprints till I feel sick. I can only hope it wont be too long until I'm back there and until then patience and time are the 2 things that are exactly what the doctor ordered.

Sam x

If anyone needs any support or help with long Covid or related problems please do drop me a message, I'll do everything I can to help and just remember you're never alone x